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When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning,
"Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:
Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
dang sentimental an' shit...."
But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told
him:
"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
By Taz
BAG
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a
million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's
only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The
boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over
her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an
original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a
ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the
hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get
me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she
gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he
hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the
bag."
By Taz
Bathroom Call
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!
By Bill K
Bells
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model
danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his
privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model
danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded
down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the
ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the
other bells went off
By Bill K
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