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When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
Going to Heaven
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and
is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she
strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood
curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's
just someone
getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their
halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one
even
more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's
just someone
getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their
wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you,"
says the
lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be
raped and
sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes
for that."
By Irene
BIKER CLUB
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
By Steve
Blow Job
A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."
"No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO."
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love... don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or
that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake
to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
By Steve C
BREAKING OFF
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"...Sue me for child support."
By Steve
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
By Steve
Blow Job
A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..."
"No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO."
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love... don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or
that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake
to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
By Steve C
BREAKING OFF
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their
engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"...Sue me for child support."
By Steve
BRIDE
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."
By Steve C
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